five years ago, I consulted a few of my closest friends about the idea of starting a memoir magazine. I was reeling from my own feeling of rejection from the art world, casting out my heart into an isolating and rigged sea of patriarchal publications, misogynistic educational programs, and one-dimensional vanity projects. questions about my own reluctant creative process, fears of never being heard, and submission to others' expectations, led to an exploration of the implication of engaging in creativity for the sake of the self. those close friends helped me develop these questions into a call to action, which became the rally cry that launched Selfish.
what I understand now, in 2019, about this exploration was that it was my first attempt at understanding creative self-care: I was trying to create a space for myself and my work that felt celebratory toward rejected pieces - of writing, of me. I wanted my friends and their friends to be a part of it because I knew that if I was experiencing difficulty in these ways, then I probably wasn't alone, and because working with others is crucial to how I understand my own experiences. for three years, a team of us worked with dozens of artists - writers, photographers, poets, painters, dancers, filmmakers, storytellers, illustrators - first friends, then friends of friends, then their friends from across the country, then the world. we collaborated on anthologies of our lives, spilled out in blood and sweat and tears and rants and confessions. we met incredible people with incredible stories. it was wonderful work, to be able to bring people together, to showcase their stories, to get to see the sides of them they feared or resisted, to get to be part of creating something for all of us.
over time, however, I became weighed down by shadows I hadn't yet processed, have only in this over two-year hiatus begun to see and invite to the surface. I was not completely clear with myself about what the motivation for this project would evolve into, and I felt pressure to make it more marketable to maintain the momentum. I didn't know how to keep up, and I didn't know how to ask for help. my Saturn return in XII left me bewildered, the map ahead of me wiped clean, whispering to me only that there was a puzzle bigger than me to be solved. the capitalism of it all left me reeling, and I soon became desolate and depressed. I lost my sense of drive and purpose, which left me with nothing to work toward. I slowly stopped answering emails, not knowing how to respond to simple inquiries, fulfill orders, promote issues, update the site. eventually, I just felt the whole train come to a stop in the middle of the track. I developed a deep shame that I couldn't shake for a long time, and I let it withdraw me from my social scenes, my zine and publishing community, the community we built up through the magazine. I slid away from it all into my own dark corner to sulk and grieve.
back to the present, where I know a few things to be true: that I want to be back amongst these communities, that I miss feeling connected to people telling stories, that I lament this distance I've created and endured. that I still have questions about the spaces we're given permission to embody, the traumas we've inherited, and the efforts we can make to overcome them. that I still learn the most by engaging with others around me, by hearing their experiences, by seeing the world through their minds. that our universe is rapidly expanding, contracting, exploding, imploding, approaching the point of critical mass. and that I need to be willing to believe in doing the work, even and especially when I feel the shadows rising.
with that, I am very excited to tell you that all five of us - me, Molly, Kelsey, Yuiko, and Alys - are back to put together a sixth issue. we'll be going about it a bit differently than before, and we're ready to bring dimensional and real stories and experiences together for our collective enjoyment, growth, and understanding of our world and each other.
to celebrate our return and our fifth anniversary, and to help raise funds for the next, our back issues are all on sale, and preorders are open for issue six. I've also unearthed a handful of copies of our original issue which will be put into a special full run package on the site. if you missed any of our previous issues, this is a great chance to catch up. these also make for a great gift for your favorite burgeoning feminist artists! stay tuned as we begin to get the machine going again. I want to thank every person who helped us light the fire in the beginning, and everyone who has held it in their hearts in our hiatus.
our next newsletter will be from our editor Kelsey, so stay tuned and see you soon!
xx
Taylor